whatever the mind says

the feeling of uselessness. of not being able to do anything productive. i want to be busy. i want my mind to be always at work. always preoccupied with things that are important. and i mean IMPORTANT.

i'm in my sophomore year.. again. this would be the third time. pitiful eh. somewhat, this, i think the most crucial year for me. for the past years, my sophomore year always determines my interest on my studies. i love school. i do. i love studying and learning a lot of things. it's just that there are days that i feel like i'm out of it and just not interested to do anything. those days usually happen in my sophomore year. and then each time the year ends i end up transferring to another school. 2 years in comsci @ xavier university, after that 2 years music in lourdes college. now i'm here in silliman university, what could possibly happen after the school year. i'm too scared to see what's ahead because i want to stay here. i've already decided to finish everything here. and right now, i'm starting to mess it up again. what's wrong with me. why do i get tired of things so easily after i tried it. do i really not know what i want? sometimes i feel i'm such a hypocrite giving friends advice about life and all, yet look at me now. me on the outside says, "i can handle things, no need to worry" but actually i am pretty miserable. been thinking about a lot of things. and i chose to ignore it since it doesn't really matter, or does it? my relationship with God, back then was very much important to me, but now.. i don't even go to church anymore. there are people who still expect me to be the person that i was before, and the pressure is too much. but wait, what is that expectation of people that i speak of. i am not really sure. or maybe its just me expecting myself to be THAT kind of person because that is what i think the people would expect of me. ah. i'm just lost. this is why i want to be busy. this is what i don't like when i don't do anything. my mind wanders. it wanders. far. back to the past again.

must move forward. stop all these nonsensical things. i have grown weary of these thoughts. it does me no good. and blogging about it makes it worse. what did i just do?